Pardon my schizophrenia. Or failure. Or why the Hipsters won’t even take me.

Today I’m drowning my sorrows and fears and stress in milk and chocolate oatmeal no-bake cookies.  It started when I woke up at 10 am and realizing I’d slept through my 5:15 am alarm and two classes.  I’d like to gasp in shock, swearing up and down that this is so unlike me! But let’s be real.  I pull shenanigans like this all the time.  And that got me thinking about what a failure I am.






Failure at what?







Life.  Clearly.







Be more specific.







Okay, life in this society.







What society is that?







21st Century America??  I don’t know!



Pardon my schizophrenia.

But I really do feel like a giant, culture-clashing failure most of the time.  I’m fairly certain the Hipsters wouldn’t even take me.  It’s pretty bad when you don’t even fit in with your society’s “nonconformists.”  I think I just value different things from the rest of this society.  I don’t care about money or success or a career or a nice house.  I want to buy a big piece of land and live as simply as I can.  But if you have read my post “Portland, the First Thanksgiving, and some apparently Communist leanings,” you probably know that already.  Most days I don’t even know why I went to college.  I know, I know.  I have to get a degree if I ever want to be a teacher (and I do so want to be a teacher), but I just really, truly hate college.

I texted my boyfriend today saying, “I wish I had some faint idea of what my purpose is in this society against which I clash so violently.”  Poor guy.  He gets a gold star for dealing with my irrational emo self today.  Then I plopped into this chair with the milk and cookies to wallow in self-pity and dwell on how much I don’t want to be doing what I’m doing in life right now.  But unfortunately, that gloriously pessimistic thought begged a disappointingly productive question.

What do I want to do?

Nope.  No comment.  Too deep for today.  My brain is fried and I refuse to think. So I slammed my mind shut in the question’s face and ate my cookies.  But while I mentally jammed my shoulder up against the door to make sure it didn’t burst open, the answer climbed in the window.  Sneaky little bugger.

I want to drown people’s sorrows and fears and stress in milk and chocolate oatmeal no-bake cookies.

Honestly, it’s not a new thought.  I’ve known it for years that hospitality is my thing, but today was a good reminder.  Someday, when I have my piece of land, I want my home to be the place where my world-weary friends can come and unload the heavy things they carry and rest.  When relationships crumble, when employers downsize, when life happens, I want to be the one waiting for them with the milk and cookies.

Not too shabby a purpose, really.



About leahrayanne

Autumn. Long conversations. Tea. People. Undisturbed land. Cooking. Literature. Teaching. Learning. Hiking. Travel. Laughter. Things built to last. Love. Home.
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11 Responses to Pardon my schizophrenia. Or failure. Or why the Hipsters won’t even take me.

  1. pdub says:

    Matthew 11:28

    What you are saying resonates with more than you can know.

    Not too shabby, I would say. . .

  2. leahrayanne says:

    Wow, Matthew 11:28 has really been on my mind lately, so I’m surprised I didn’t think of it while I was writing this! And I know I say it every time, but thanks for reading, Paul. It means more to me than you know 🙂

  3. Jenna says:

    I love your vision of hospitality–what a wonderful calling. That I think we all have, deep down, but not all follow. Throughout my growing up years I had the blessing of watching my parents be the people with the milk and cookies, as you put it, to so many people. Me and my sisters had a few tantrums about spending Christmas with ‘strangers’ in the house or having to take turns giving up our bedrooms, but looking back, I see how amazingly generous my parents were. And I want to do the same.

    • leahrayanne says:

      I know I already commented on your “Last American Man” post, but I want to reply to this too. When I was growing up, my best friend’s parents were the ones with the milk and cookies. I’d spend holidays with them and I would never be the only “extra” in the house. They always had guests, but their guests never felt like guests. We felt like family. To this day, I drop in for a weekend from time to time, even when my best friend isn’t there. I walk in the back door (always unlocked) and call out “I’m home!” Then I’m greeted with a real hug and an exclamation of “Leah! My other daughter!!” I think everyone needs places like that.

  4. Joe says:

    I hope you do that. I may need to call on your hospitality…constantly. This week in particular, I feel like I have offered some people quite a bit myself…But there’s always more that needs to be done…And I always feel so spent. We all need someone we can pour ourselves out to…Even those of us that usually do the catching. So don’t forget that either. And try to enjoy your schooling…You may find you miss it quite a bit when it’s gone.

    -The Archmage

  5. Chrissy Hanna says:

    Open a bed and breakfast! I teach and love it but do take days off for sake of balance. Loving to learn is a big part of it, and it took me years to get into school, and at 25 I was ready to get serious about it. I started teaching at 28 years old. I am now 33 going on 34 and love my kids, I teach high school, but love to garden and cook. Hang on you are on the right track : ) Enjoy the experience.

    • leahrayanne says:

      Thanks so much for the encouragement, Chrissy. I’ve always liked the idea of opening a bed and breakfast, actually. I should probably move out of my mom’s house first though… : )

      I’m so glad you stopped by my little blog! (I swear I’m going to start posting more often again.) Thank you for reading!

    • Misty says:

      Learning a ton from these neat arctiles.

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